The Shiznit is a feature where I will be compiling lists on various topics. If you have a suggestion for a list I should compile, hit me up at neo@lonelystoner.net

Just in time for Halloween, I have compiled a list of stoner stereotypes you could dress up as.

The Newbie Stoner
The Newbie is exactly what it says. Zealous and eager to gain experienced user status, The Newbie Stoner tries to gain as much knowledge as possible in a short amount of time.

However, being a Newbie, they try and look for the buzz instead of letting the buzz find them. Trying to sound ‘hip’, the Newbie has a hard time conversing with an experienced stoner because they get the lingo mixed up. Trying to be cool, the Newbie will invest in stoner paraphernalia such as a pipe, bong or stash box yet will have no idea what to do with it.

The Newbie Stoner is also likely to the most paranoid stoner. The Newbie Stoner does not understand the meaning of ‘Be Cool’.

Essential attire of the Newbie Stoner:
Generic T-shirt and Jeans
Hoodie
Brand new, unused pipe/bong
Nicely organised stash and equipment/accessories

Newbie Stoners

The Hippie Stoner
The Hippie Stoner treats smoking like a religion. They strive to put the spirituality back into smoking. They love the bud, and toke up daily.

The Hippie Stoner is always the happy stoner. They like colourful clothes, decorations and trippy/psychedelic music. Their favourite music period is the 60’s and 70’s and they always seem to know how to play some obscure musical instrument. The Hippie Stoner wants to be one with nature and will take long walks/camping trips in the countryside with plenty of health foods in tow.

Hippie Stoners are a peaceful and loving bunch who don’t judge anybody. The are happy about life and make the best out of any situation they are in.

Essential Attire of the Hippie Stoner:
Tie Die Shirts
Beads
Ying Yang/Peace Sign
Unkempt/Just got out of bed hair
Flared trousers
Flip Flops

Hippie Stoner

The Techie Stoner
Techie Stoners, as the name suggests, are the tech savvy group in our list. They are usually the most educated of smokers and you will usually find them glued to their laptop/PDA/Blackberry/cell phone.

The Techie Stoner has an unhealthy obsession with Facebook/Twitter/MySpace and is always trying to come up with an obscure status update which is supposed to have a hidden meaning. They have stable jobs and most likely will only toke up AFTER work, never before of during. Techie Stoners are usually very cool people and are very laid back.

They enjoy movies, TV and video games (most likely all downloaded from the Internet). They know the best movies/TV shows to watch or video games to play whilst stoned. When playing video games with the Techie Stoner, be prepared to have your ass handed to you on a plate. The Techie Stoner is indeed a hardcore gamer. They know all the secrets and ALL the button combinations for ALL of the fighters in ALL of the games.

They have just as much pride in their paraphernalia as they do in their games and electronics. Techie Stoners can usually be found at 20-something bars, software stores, pro-wrestling events and music events/festivals.

Essential Attire of the Techie Stoner:
Jeans or loose casual trousers
T-shirt with movie/game reference
Converse All-Stars
Shoulder/messenger bag
iPhone
Macbook

Techie Stoner

The Corporate Stoner
This is the work hard, play hard stoner. The Corporate Stoner is always looking sharp and is all about business.

Like the Techie Stoner, they are also glued to their laptop/PDA/Blackberry/cell phone but its all about business. They wont be doing any Facebook or Twitter updates. No. Rather, they will be checking email or stocks and shares.

The Corporate Stoner can be arrogant, rude, self-centered, pushy, and down-right back stabbing. They have a need to succeed and are only interested in number 1. They spend a lot of time in bars and actually do more drinking than smoking. They will only smoke a joint if a friend or colleague happens to have one yet they are experienced stoners. The Corporate Stoner would have smoked a lot in their earlier years but since becoming a ‘Suit’, they do as other Suits do. You can’t tell who they are because the Corporate Stoner doesn’t tell anyone that they smoke.

Essential Attire of the Corporate Stoner:
Smart business attire (shirt, tie etc)
Laptop/PDA/Blackberry/cell phone
Laptop case/Briefcase
Budweiser in one hand, cigarette in the other

Corporate Stoner

The Thug/Homie/Gangster Stoner
This stoner is also likely to be your dealer. This stoner you have know for years and at the start he may have come and met you on his cycle but after a few years, he will be rolling in a nice ride. This stoner may not have a clue about time management but he will never let you down. If he says he will get you the weed, then he will get you the weed.

The Thug/Homie/Gangster Stoner always tells you the most obscure places to meet him and he’ll rotate between the same 4 or 5 places every few weeks. Gotta keep the Feds on their toes!

This stoner is stoned pretty much all of time and only works at a ‘normal’ job during the day just to make some extra cash on the side. His actual ‘day’ job is to sell weed. The Thug/Homie/Gangster Stoner will only ever smoke a joint or a blunt and doesn’t believe in bongs or pipes.

Essential Attire of the Thug/Homie/Gangster Stoner:
A jacket with many pockets
Jeans or loose casual trousers
Plenty of weed ready to be distributed
Some bling (most likely a gold chain or bracelet)
Lots of tattoos

Thug/Homie/Gangster Stoner

The Old-School Stoner
The Old-School Stoner has been smoking pot probably since your parents, the hippie stoners of the 60’s and 70’s, were in diapers. The Old-School Stoner has seen it all and done it all.

Whenever you smoke with the Old-School Stoner, they will give you a history lesson about the good ol’ days; about when times were a lot simpler and the time they had dinner with (insert celebrity name here).

The Old-School Stoner always wears the most ridiculous outfits and more often than not will simply wear bright pyjama bottoms and a torn t-shirt. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think the Old-School Stoner was homeless.

The Old-School Stoner has a lot to say and although most of it is just a load of rubbish, the Old-School Stoner does have a lot of wisdom and is usually more than happy to pass some of it onto you (whether you want to hear it or not).

Essential Attire of the Old-School Stoner:
Pyjama bottoms
Torn T-shirt
Slightly too small jacket.
Flip Flops/Sandals

Old-School Stoner

The Party Stoner
This group are usually middle or upper class. They include college students, jocks, and people who frequent bars or clubs. Not only will they drink and toke up at the same time (bad combination) but they will also divulge into much harder drugs (ecstasy, cocaine).

The Party Stoner likes to stick to their own cliques and doesn’t like ‘outsiders’ joining in. Conversation between Party Stoners usually centres on gossip or celebrity news. This stoner never actually buys any weed. They always smoke somebody else’s stash.

You can spot the Party Stoner because they are usually driving Daddy’s sports car or spending on Daddy’s credit card. They are incredibly beautiful people and are incredibly materialistic. Apart from a few close, mirror-image friends, the Party Stoner sees everybody else as an acquaintance and will only call on these acquaintance when needed.

The Party Stoner watches a lot of TV and loves the most popular top-40 music.

Essential Attire of the Party Stoner:
Any clothes which are high-end designer or that have been worn by celebrities
Daddy’s sports car
Daddy’s credit card

Party Stoner

Bonus: The Celeb Stoner
Everybody likes to impersonate a celebrity now and again. So what better occasion to dress up as a celebrity then Halloween. Now as there is no ‘essential attire’ to dress up like a celebrity, I have compiled a list of certified Celeb Stoners. So take your pick and get your swag on:

Certified Celeb Stoners:
Seth Rogan
Kevin Smith
Dr Dre
Snoop Dogg
Misha Barton
Willie Nelson
Cheech & Chong
B-Real
Michael Phelps
Adrianne Curry
Megan Fox
Woody Harrelson
Method Man
Joe Rogan
Kristen Stewart
Lily Allen
Amy Winhouse